pixiechick_sw

 I just finished reading THE WAY HE LIVED by Emily Wing Smith. Go to Amazon this instant and buy it! Sigh. So good! So satisfying!

 I have had an interesting week and a half with PALACE BEAUTIFUL. I think I have learned something--something big--something really big.

As many of you know I had a heart attack over my cover and I ranted and stressed and all that until my agent and editor assured me they and the team of marketers and artists and everyone think it's best for the book and people like it--especially kids. For some reason, I was instantly appeased and now I feel great about it all. For the first time, I feel really excited and ready for it to come out. Before I felt like I was still processing it all. I just feel different now. 

Today, I got to thinking. Why did I get so upset over the cover and why was I so easily content once I heard the marketing facts? I realized what it was. The cover didn't look like me. I wanted the cover to have my style because the book was written by me so the writing has my style. The cover looks nothing at all like me. I realized I had to let go of the idea that the book is mine. It isn't. I wrote it, but when it is out in the world, it doesn't belong to just me, it belongs to anyone who reads it. The cover doesn't need to look like me because it is not just my book anymore, it is everyone's. When I got the idea that the book is not just mine anymore, I was perfectly okay with the cover. 

The crazy thing is, I think it was a kind of grief process. It is not like it has been only mine for a while. Many, many people have helped get this book where it is today. But it will be different when it is sitting on bookshelves all over the place and being read by kids who will love it or hate it or be indifferent to it. It is theirs as much as it is mine. 

I think the cover was a shock to me because I realized--even if it was only subconscious at the time, that the book is out of my hands and ready to belong to the world (or at least the US and Canada at this point :) ). I think letting go and allowing the book to look how it looks for the best of the book let me detach enough that I can now let the book go where it needs to go for its best good and for the people who will read it--and not just me. 

I had no idea I was clinging to it that firmly. Now, I'm ready to let go and ready to let it belong to all of you as well.

 So, some of you know I have had some issues with my PALACE BEAUTIFUL book cover. Well, the other day, I vented to my agent. The next day, she chatted with my editor (who also rocks) and today she got back to me with the whole scoop. 

The thing is, after I read her email, I looked at my cover for the first time in a few days and thought, "hey, it's not that bad. As a matter of fact, I can see how it was probably the right marketing choice, now that I know their reasoning. I think I might start liking it." How does she do that?!

I am still going to be a bit self conscious about it for a while because it is the opposite of what I like in covers and it doesn't match the book inside very well, but after reading all that went into it and the considerations they made and adding things all up, I think I am now okay with it. The fact is, it is a book for eleven year old girls, not 36 year old moms so there we go. Also, it's MG not YA so cover art is totally different. I think it will work and probably work well, but if the book reps who get it next week who have also already read the MS don't like it, things might change, but I doubt that will happen.

I wish you could all read my agent's email because you would have to run to your local store (if it was there yet) and buy it instantly and you would think it was the best book ever with an appropriate cover for the demographic. She's good. 

Seriously, those of you who know me personally, don't laugh when you see it, even though you will be tempted because I used to make fun of things that looked like that (yeah, used to) now my own book looks like that. It doesn't look a bit like me or a whole lot like the story, but now that I know the facts behind it, I can see why it is a good choice. Still, don't laugh. Really, don't. 

In other news, Tyler is still waiting to hear about his dream job. He called today and they still hadn't made a decision. They said maybe by Tuesday or Wednesday next week. Even then, it will probably a week after that before he knows what they decided. Fortunately, he has had a lot of freelance law work while he is on the job hunt. We will both be glad where there is some kind of closure. 

That's about it. I've been busy stressing about the cover and taking care of the kids and house with summer break on. Tyler has been busy job hunting and tending to current freelance cases. Life is a bit stressful right now, but nothing a bit of time and eventual closure and autumn won't fix. 

Have a good evening, all!

I just got a link from a blog where the blogger lists tenner books on her wishlist. Mine's in there! Your's might be, too. Check it out:

Presenting Lenore

I just got back from the best lunch ever! I got an email from lindsey_leavitt  saying that she was in town and that she and a few writer friends were getting together for lunch and wanted to know if I wanted to come. Yes! I got the email late, because I was out and about, but I decided to go anyway. Sometimes I might chicken out or space out or just be too busy. I'm SO glad I just went.

I got there and it wasn't just a few writer friends it was a bunch of tenners and if they weren't tenners it was because they already had books out--really good books! It was so fun to talk with other writers who are in the same boat--or the boat I hope to be in in a few years. It made me realize how much I need to socialize with writers and get myself out there. I haven't gone to retreats or conferences or anything. I need do those things to help me be a better writer, but even more importantly for me, because it would be fun! Things aren't super fun around here with the kids bored and off school, and Tyler out of work and stressed, and me trying to keep things together and do what I do. It was so refreshing to get out of the house and visit with other writers for a while.

We visited at the restraunt for a long time, then we went next door to The King's English Bookshop--the cutest book store ever. The manager Anne Holman came out and recognized some of the writers and she introduced herself to the rest of us. Anne already had some ARCs from some of us tenners (not mine yet) and she was excited to have us all there at once. She asked if any of us had a camera so she could take a photo of our group. Of course, I had my camera so here is the pic. I look like a weird fat lady, but it was so fun, I don't care--too much. ;) I think, though, I shouldn't wear that shirt anymore. 


From left to right:  Matthew Kirby, moi, Emily Wing Smith, Sara Zarr, Lindsey Levitt, and Bree Despain. We also had Anne Bowen at lunch, but she didn't make it to the book shop. 

It was so fun to be a writer out loud in a book store. I loved reaching on the shelf and picking up a book to buy and handing it to the girl beside me to autograph. I loved signing my name on the store's clip board with my writer name Sarah DeFord Williams instead of just plain Sarah Williams. It really is nice to be with other writers. It's not like being an engineer or a lawyer or a doctor etc. They work with other people who do what they do. With writers, a person works alone and may never know anyone else who does what they do. 

When I got home, I got a note from Erin that said she very much likes the direction my revision of WEST OF IDEAL is taking. I wasn't sure if this was how it needed to go or if I was just adding extra stuff and it was just stuff. I am really relieved. I have been stressing a bit about what to do to get this book ready to show Susan--not really a bit--more like a lot. Now, I know I can do this. Before, I just hopped I could do it.

When I got home, the kids were bored and hot and Tyler was stressed about a case he was working on and all that tension and blah energy that has been in our house since Tyler lost his job last month came back over me. I didn't know how much I needed to get out and do things I love--like being a writer with other writers. I feel recharged. I sure hope Tyler gets a steady job soon and that the cases he is working on now lighten up a bit. I hope the kids can find something to do and that the energy in our house feels more peaceful and less nervous and more like home. This afternoon was a nice break. I'm sure glad I checked my email at lunch time! What a great afternoon!

Charlotte just said the cutest thing. I was teaching her how to crochet and she got frustrated. I suggested she put it away for now and take it back out later. She did. A minute later I heard her in her room crying. When she was finished, I called her to me and told her it is just fine to feel upset when learning a new thing and if she needs to just be sad for a bit, that's fine.

She said, "I usually don't cry when I'm frustrated, but this time I went in my room and weeped a little bit. Well, not a little bit, but for a short space of time."

Oh man, so cute!

Yesterday was day two at Yellowstone. Tyler and I went by ourselves and my parents stayed in Island Park where our mansion/cabin is with the kids. We had such a nice time!

This was day one. It was our first time seeing Old Faithful.


The kids are having a great time with their cousins. They seem to have similar personalities and even though they only get to see each other every other year, they are best buddies. They even look like sisters.


Here is the sunburn I obtained spending the day looking into pools of smoldering, boiling water straight from the bowels of the Earth and sitting on the dock in the back yard lake visiting with family.


Here I am sitting at the edge of an amazing cliff yesterday on my Yellowstone date with Tyler:


He and I were driving down the road and saw steam rising from a large field. We parked the car and got out to see. There were no boardwalks and until we had seen all the amazing smoking springs and interesting formations, we didn't notice the signs that said don't walk in that field. Whoops! I'm glad we didn't see the signs because I would have listened to them, but we got to see some amazing and pristine geological feature that I am not likely to ever see that up close again.


Then we saw my favorite feature I had seen at Yellowstone. It was incredible! It was Grand Prismatic Spring. The spring is huge like a small lake and it is very vivid rainbow colors. It's hot and the steam that rises off of it is also rainbow colored. I have never seen anything like it! Tyler took this photo when I didn't know he had the camera. I was stretching my arms to welcome the warm wet rainbow colored steam. It was like ghosts rising and drifting right through you. I loved it!


Here is the edge of the spring. You can see the vivid yellow/orange band and the blue smoke rising from the center. I wish I could have captured the full spectrum of the smoke and spring colors, but this will have to do.


After that Tyler and I went to a river and laid on the banks and rested. A lovely elk was grazing near by. She didn't seem bothered by us at all. It was so relaxing and beautiful.


What an amazing place!

I'm too tired to write about all of this, but here is a list of what I did today:

-Drove in Idaho, Montana and Wyoming

-Went to Yellowstone for the first time in my life

-Can't figure out why photobucket won't work for her so she can't share any photos of what she saw today

-Saw Old Faithful plus many other amazing smoking, churning, boiling and stirrings of the earth

-Got a sunburn--it was worth it

-Saw her book cover for the first time. I'll get back to you on this one later. 

-Ran into a friend at Old Faithful Lodge

-Fell in a lake

-Saw black bear marks and fur on the tree outside her bedroom window

-Talked and visited and talked and visited

-Watched her son win the every-two-years Pass the Pig Tournament that the boys of the family play. Her artist brother made a bronze trophy Simon will be proudly taking home. 

-Sat in a cozy room in a cabin mansion in Idaho writing this--during a wonderful thunderstorm

Good night, all!

 Today I saw the first chapter opening design for PALACE BEAUTIFUL. I LOVED it! It is so charming! I am relieved about that part. The cover art will be ready soon--actually, probably not soon enough to make it to the ARCs, though. My editor says that happens sometimes. I'm fine with that as long as I know it's coming eventually--and it is. I hope I like it like I love the chapter opening designs. 

I spent the morning listening to Michael Jackson with the girls. It was so weird. Even though I am shocked that he died and it feels like the end of an era, honestly, I don't think I've listened to him since I was like 10 years old at the roller rink. Listening to it brought back so many memories. Then when I ran out of old memories to associate with it, I started hearing it objectively. Not bad. Actually, I liked it. There are lots and lots of kinds of music I love, but there are some that I don't. I like so many kinds, it's easier to say what I don't like because the do-like list would be too long. I don't like christian rock--at all. I don't like fake-y takes-itself-way-too-seriously-for-dudes-who-just-spent-two-hours-brushing-and-blow drying-their-hair-in-an-attempt-to-look-dangerous glam rock, and I don't like bubblegum-y pop. I always thought Michael Jackson fit into the last category. Well, after giving it a real listen today, I have changed my mind. It is pop, but it is not bubblegum. It's good stuff--whether it's something that is really my taste or not, it's well done music that has something to it. It was a happy discovery. Yes, I know I sound snobby and I guess as far as music is concerned, maybe I not only sound snobby, but I actually am. Anyway, I had fun listening to it all day. 

This evening Tyler took Charlotte to the cabin with his dad and step-mom. I'm sure they are having a blast. Charlotte had big news the other day. She got glasses! It has been SO FUN to take her everywhere and watch her discover the world in a new way. Actually, she and I went up the canyon today and we saw a snake like the one I saw last month, and, like last month, we screamed and jumped about a hundred feet, then got fascinated and watched it until it disappeared in the grassy side of the canyon. 

I am a little nervous tonight because Simon is still at scout camp and we have had some serious storms this evening. I hope he's doing well and not getting them too badly. 

Ellen has the flu like we had a few weeks ago so I stayed home from the cabin with her. Like us, it is a very mild flu and nothing a few Tums, Motrin and some good sleep won't fix. We decided to make the best of it. We got a fast food dinner and bought "Aquamarine" and "Twister" at the $5 DVD bin. It was so much fun watching a bubblegum-y girl movie with her. We watched it and the huge storm and ate popcorn and had a nice time. Tomorrow "Twister." 

I just now started my latest heavy duty draft of WEST OF IDEAL. The other day I made a playlist so I could get the feel for how the story needs to go. The thing is it needed to be country music--western country music, the kind where people sing about their beer and dogs and things like that--another genre on my, I'm not so crazy about list. I really like how it turned out, though and tonight I used it for writing for the first time. I helped a lot and I enjoyed listening to it. There's one song I especially like It's "Wyoming Sky" by Raining Jane. All this music is new to me and I was happy to find new things I liked. 

I think I am going to go enjoy my quiet time for a bit and get some yoga in before bed. Good night, all!

 What a strange news day. I'm here just trying to process. I don't know why it is so shocking when celebrities die--anymore than it is shocking when any person dies, but it is. 

I feel like the eras of my childhood have moved on as of today. I was born in 1973 and I remember Farrah hair. It WAS the 1970s. I remember when "Thriller" came out. I remember my brother breakdancing to it with his super-white 8 year old dancing buddies. Michael Jackson WAS the 1980s. 

I graduated from high school in 1991, so my childhood nearly entirely happened in the 70s and 80s. In the 90s I was busy in college, getting married and having babies. I had my last baby on the first day of spring in the year 2000 so my early adulthood was neatly compartmentalized as well. The first decade of the 2000s I spent raising said baby and her siblings. My first book comes out in 2010--beginning of another era, maybe?

It still feels strange when things a person remembers clearly from childhood suddenly aren't around anymore. I know my childhood is passed. I know the 70s and 80s are long gone, but it is strange to see yourself start stepping into midlife and watching the icons of your own childhood pass away. It is a little unnerving. Maybe it is a sign that I am due for a midlife crisis. I'll have to think about that one. 

I am sad for the families that have to deal with the losses today. I was sad hearing about Farrah. The honest truth (it's not very nice and I wish it was) is that I am completely creeped out by Michael Jackson and I had to turn off the news coverage because it was giving me that EWww feeling. I'm sorry that sounds so uncaring and insensitive, but it's true. Once again, I am sad for the families that are affected, no matter how I feel about the person. 

It feels like today I am old. I can say, "I remember when..." and those people I am remembering-when about have now passed on. Strange. 

We found out this morning that PALACE BEAUTIFUL is available for preorder! I'm so excited and now, a bit impatient. Is it April yet? How about now? Now?

Click here to check it out: PALACE BEAUTIFUL

Simon left for scout camp yesterday morning. Tyler went with him for the first night while the scout master was at work. Tyler came home a few hours ago exhausted and sunburnt. I guess that means they had fun.

Here is where they are camping for the week. Yes, it is the end of June and yes, all that white stuff is snow. It has been a very cool June. Utah sure is beautiful!


Here are my boys:


Here is our ward's scout troop minus one or two kids and plus one or two visitors:


I bet Simon is having a blast!


Here is what I have been doing today. Here are two pages of my copy of the first pass of PALACE BEAUTIFUL:


I went though it all and found some big mistakes and made changes from the millions of mistakes that my editor and the copyeditor found. It is amazing to me how many things can slip past the author and the team of editors working on a book. It really takes a lot of people to get a book right.

Tyler got a call back from one of the two dream jobs he is hoping to get. The only problem is that the only interview times that are open are during our every-two-years DeFord family reunion in Yellowstone next week. Oh well, we have to do what we have to do. Maybe we will take two cars or maybe he will go home for the interview and come back up. We'll figure it out. Either way, our cars are going to get a lot of miles next week. Wish him--and all of us--and our cars luck!

My brain is all fuzzy from working on the book all day. I'm going to go outside and enjoy the sunshine and hang out with my girls and Tyler. Have a nice afternoon, all!

I just received a letter from a friend who is living in a retirement home north of here. It was such a nice letter that made me feel so soft and grounded. From the stories she told in her letter, I had a writing epiphany, that I had to come here and sort out.

She wrote about her recent trip to her hometown in Idaho. She talked about seeing her grandkids and great grandkids and seeing the farm she grew up on, that was sold years ago and the family that bought it has died out now so it is in new hands. She talked about visiting graves of family members that have been there so long, there is no one to visit them anymore. She wrote about seeing the place where she and her sister would catch the school bus. She wrote about her african violets and geraniums blooming in her room at the home.

I loved reading her letter and as I read it, I realized what I love about writing and what it is that works about PALACE BEAUTIFUL that isn't present--yet--in my other books--at least not fully. It is scope and scale. WEST OF IDEAL has lots of physical scale and scope in it, but not the kind of scope and scale I love the best--the scope and scale of time.

When I read my friend's letter, I could almost see the events of her life and the lives before and after her in a long river that is always constant, but always changing and always moving forward along its path. I could see her being a little girl running for the bus with her sister. I could see her as an old woman in a retirement home touching the blossoms of her african violets. I could see the shuffle and movements of life as the farm she grew up on passed from hand to hand, as the older hands faded to eternity and new hands took it up and began the process of fading themselves. It is hard to explain how exactly it feels to me other than beautiful, a little sad and also comforting.

It is like, we are where we are at this very moment in time. I am laying on my stomach on my bed writing this. I can hear the purr of the air filter next to our antique dresser and I can see the black and white pattern of my bedspread. It's dark and rainy and cool out. I am right here right now, but I am also a part of everything that has happened before me. My ancestors and the things they gave me affect me right at this moment. At this moment, I am a product of what has happened before, and, I am at this very minute creating what will come after. I am a blip in that long river of forever. To me, it feels like a beautiful and healing thought.

I know this probably sounds weird or doesn't make sense. Somethings can be perfectly clear in someone's head, but can be too hard to articulate and translate to words, at least for me. They just have to make sense in the knowing even if they don't in the saying.

I think for me to make WEST OF IDEAL work, I need to tie the past and the future into the fibers of each page, instead of in compartmental sections of story. How do I do that? I have no idea. Can I pull it off? I have no idea. I am definitely going to start now in ARTIFICIAL NIGHT, my WIP. I have already played with the idea of time in an exaggerated way in that book. Maybe I will have to have it be a major theme. Who knows. I just wish I had a magic wand that would show me how to do this with WEST OF IDEAL. Figuring this out is like saying, "Eureka! I'm going to be a doctor!" That doesn't make a person a doctor, that is just the point where the hard work begins. I hope I can keep this idea in my head and translate it to the story. We'll see.

What a nice friend I have to write me such a nice letter and share glimpses of her past and present with me! I feel very grateful.

Tonight we had our first writer girls group. I had a great time! I hope everyone else did as well. There were five of us all together. Two of the girls, I had never met before. They were all great! We visited until the store closed and now I feel all filled up.

This is going to be a really fun group. You know how sometimes there is one person in a group who is a bit hard to deal with or might be a bit of an effort to get along with? Well, she does not go to this group (unless she is me) because I thoroughly enjoyed each girl there.

We have to wait a month before our next meeting because of vacations and all that, but any of you who want to join us who couldn't make it this time, we are meeting again on the 17th of July.

I am so glad I punctuated the day with such a fun group. Because the rest of the day was not as fun. This morning, I woke up early and took Ellen to the doctor and we got physicals. Nothing starts the day off right like a physical. Then, when we got home, I felt cranky. I had had enough of everyone being home. Tyler took the kids all day! He took them to the movies, then they rode the train all the way to Ogden for the heck of it. I laid on the couch and watched shows about Picasso, Cezanne and Matisse and then took a nap. It was refreshing, but I needed more refreshment than that.

The mailman brought the copy of my first-printing-pass--thingy-yes-I'm-too-tired-to-remember-what-it's-called-book-thing. It was really cool! I can't look at it too much yet though because I am so sick of that book, it is hard to want to go through it again--even for small things.

After my rest from a house full of family for a few hours and getting my book stuff in the mail, going to writer girls group put a cherry on top of the day. Now I am relaxed and refreshed and ready for bed. I hope you all had a nice evening as well.

I just spent this morning up City Creek Canyon again. Like usual, I brought my camera. It was such a beautiful morning. Actually, every morning this June has been beautiful!

It has been so rainy and cool that everything is green and fresh. I thought I might have to watch out for snakes because of all the rain we have been getting and sure enough, this is what I saw when I took my first step down the steps to the canyon:


It is so green and fresh, it hardly looks like Utah at all. I love it!


I took some pics of myself in the canyon this time. Next time maybe I'll bring a tripod--or a friend--but probably a tripod.




I saw this wee little thing way up the canyon. Some joggers stopped to observe the cuteness and to discuss what should be done with the little guy who was all by itself. We decided to leave it alone and hope that its mom finds it soon.


It was an interesting walk because the sky went from white puffy clouds to dark clouds and back again constantly.


I feel refreshed now and ready to start the day--or lay in bed and enjoy a good book--or do the dishes--or all of the above. Tyler is off at this moment, applying for his dream job. He was so excited about it, he had a hard time sleeping. I hope he gets it and I hope it meets our needs. Wish us luck. In the mean time, I think I need to spend more time up the canyon with my camera and less time down here doing dishes and stressing about jobs. Have a nice day, all!

Job hunt:

It is going very well. Tyler has two dream jobs now that are currently hiring, plus several other good possibilities. Tyler is stressed, but coping very well and is excited about all the possibilities. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, they are making a huge difference! He hasn't heard yes or no from anyone yet, but he is working hard to get his name out there and is feeling hopeful.

Teacher Ms. X"

I got a call from the principal today saying that Ms. X has thought about her position as a teacher and is seriously considering retiring and not coming back next school year. I have mixed feeling about what the principal told me because it seemed like Ms. X took some responsibility (a little), but said that this class was hard for her and that some of the kids and parents had it out for her. My first reaction was, "yeah, kids and parents are so darn sensitive when a person abuses their kids everyday." But I didn't say it. The thing is, she said that about Simon's class last year and his friend's class a couple of years ago. I'm sure she says it every year, she just hasn't been called on it. I hope she does retire. She is not a bad person, she just seems to hate teaching and takes it out on the kids. I hope she moves on to things that make her happy (and that take her away from kids).

Book:

I got an email today from my editor who said that the first pass of my book is on it's way to my mailbox! I don't think there is cover art yet and she said it is so rough that the chapter titles still say something like, "insert chapter title here." But I'm excited to see it. Also, I went to Amazon yesterday and there is a for real date for my book. It says April 15. I haven't heard that from my editor or my agent, so I don't know how official it is, but it sound about right to what they were thinking. That sounds like a very nice release date!

That's what's up with us. I made more buttons today--this time white with black decoration. They turned out really nice. Other than that, we all hung out, cleaned, read and just enjoyed this pretty day. I hope you all had a nice day, too.

Today I wasn't feeling so hot. Charlotte has had the flu since last Wednesday. Everyone else has felt a little crummy, but not too bad. Today, it caught up with me. I decided I wasn't interested in being sick, so I distracted myself with a fun project that took a lot of time. I made buttons--from scratch--all by myself. It was awesome!



I love buttons. I have always loved buttons. As a matter of fact, after "mommy" and "daddy", "button" was my first word. Kinda cute, if I do say so myself. My kids did not inherit my love of tiny little things like beads and buttons. They think it is a mom thing and infinitely old fashion. Their first words after "mommy" and "daddy" were "strawberry", "good girl" and "baby." Tyler's was "hot."

Well, anyway, I made buttons. I made them out of polymer clay, paint and varnish. I've never used polymer clay before. It just didn't seem like my kind of thing until I found out a person can make buttons out of it.



I made molds out of antique reproduction buttons and rubber stamps. I cast the buttons from the molds, then baked them. Then I rubbed them with gold or silver paint to bring out the design and varnished them. Voila! I now have a pile of pretty one-of-a-kind buttons. Some of them are going into my Esty shop next week to make up for the cost of making them, but I made enough that I can part with some.

It was fun and distracting, but now I feel like I am going to fall over. I think tomorrow, I will have to stay in bed and read. I'm okay with that. Have a good night, all!

Okay, I just posted this on the 10ers blog, but I have no idea how to cross post it to mine, so I'm posting it twice. Sorry, to all you 10ers who get this on their friends page twice.

I was just wondering what the average is among us writers.

I generally write one and a half to two hours a day, five days a week. I feel like I should be doing more, but it is hard to find the time--or the brain power.

I think there is much more to writing than the actual writing part, though. I'm sure I could triple or quadruple that number if I counted the amount of time I spend thinking about the stories and characters. But as far as butt-in-chair time, for me, it is approximately seven to ten hours a week.

Everyone's writing style and method is so different. I'd love to hear your numbers and compare notes.

We have had so much rain this June it doesn't even feel like Utah. There are even puddles and wet patches on the sidewalk long after the rain is gone. It never does that here.

Most of the times we get lots of rain, it is also very hot and muggy, but this has been totally different. The highs have been in the low 60s to mid 70s and it just feels great!

I took these picture a few minutes ago. So beautiful!






It has rained off and on almost everyday for around two weeks. We are getting so much rain, I am just about ready for some sun. I never say that here because I am afraid I'll jinks it and we don't get rain for the next month or two. It couldn't be a nicer June than it is right now.

I am so muddled, I can hardly make sense to write. It has been so busy and up and down and stressful and hopeful and everything else the past few days. Today is the first day all the kids are on summer break. We are all exhausted.

Things on the job hunt are looking so good! Tyler has been job hunting for three days now. He has had some good job leads (including his dream job) but he is also getting his own clients. He is meeting with one right now. I am so glad he got laid off. If he gets a job with a firm, he will be so happy. If he gets to start his own practice, he will be so happy. It really is win win right now.

His dream job is a government prosecuter job so it has great hours and great benefits and it's down the street. The only problem is it doesn't pay enough for us, BUT the amount of money we need to make it is pretty much exactly what I still have of my book money. So yeah. It seems like fate. There are also other things that make me feel very good about this job. We'll see how it all goes. There are some other jobs that would be great that look like real possibilities if that one doesn't work out, but I'm going to totally count my chickens before they hatch.

One thing that has changed for me is my school status. If he gets a job or starts his own practice, we won't be making enough money in the short run for me to be in school. I don't feel bad about it right now. When I started school, I didn't know was going to be blasted into a writing career and I'd have to juggle revisions, new WIPs and all that goes along with it with classes. I have been wondering how I was going to be able to pull off French classes with revisions and everything else that I am going to have to do intensely for the next year--and hopefully much longer. I have been stressing about my status as a student and a writer for months now, but I just couldn't let go of school because I still want to do everything. Tyler losing his job was like permission for me to just be a writer (and a mom and everything else--except student).

I feel bad because I love school, but at the same time, a person can only do so much and I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. I am going to go talk to a councilor and see if I can take some time off, but still be a student so I can go back when I am ready. I think the fact that I am stopping for now because of a writing career will be in my favor. The U prides itself on producing some very successful writers--like Stephen Covey and Terry Tempest Williams and many others, so I hope I can go back when I am ready and I am not out.

Well, my brain is so dead, I have been writing this for over an hour. I hope I'm even making sense. I need to turn off the computer and get in the bath. I am glad it's summer break and I can just chill for a while and get my mind back. I hope we have closure soon on Tyler's job so we can breathe all the way. Thanks for all the prayers and good vibes! They are really helping!